"I Never Held You" is a support book for any woman who has experienced a miscarriage. It's also a book for spouses, friends and family members to someone who has miscarried, to get an insight of what is going on in a woman's mind, soul and body when a thing like this happens.
If you have had a miscarriage you have probably heard the expressions: "It's no big deal—you can have another baby" or "grow up and move on." These were the experiences the author Ellen Dubois made during her grief process. She didn't meet much understanding or she wasn't good at expressing her feelings the right way for people to understand. This is why this book is so important for both parties.
Ellen DuBois' book is only 28 pages short. The reason for the shortness is that when Ellen had her miscarriage she was searching libraries and bookstores about information on handling the grief, but found nothing useful. She didn't want to read anything long either, as she had to cope with her feelings in the same time.
This book goes through the stages of grief, blame, letting go and moving on. It's also important to state that it's not a book about forgetting the baby you never held in your arms.
Reviewed by Simona Nielsen for The Writer's Room Magazine
Excellent Presentation Highly Recommended
I Never Held You is a small work of 7 sections designed to aid women who are suffering the results of loss of a baby. Areas covered in the book are Miscarriage, Grieving, Blame, Letting Go, Moving On, My Angel Baby and Online Resources.
Writer DuBois has crafted a well written book based on her own experience with miscarriage and the struggles she, and other women must combat as they learn to deal with it. DuBois asked that I review the book because she knew that I too suffered this particular hurt. In her book writer Dubois says that she still has moments of grief a decade later, and I will confess that 3 decades later I do the same. The grief affects not only the woman who has lost her unborn child but her whole family as well. Many times, my own doctor told me, marriages fail following the loss of a child, and I was recently told by my now 30 year old son that on his birthday he always thinks of the brothers and sister he has never had the opportunity to know.
I Never Held You gets to the heart of the situation without being maudlin or offering the ersatz comfort and completely useless advice women so often hear from those who have had no experience with the plight. The short length of the book is to be commended. For those newly suffering from miscarriage a lengthy work is not likely to get read. This smaller narrative offers brevity plus good solid help for dealing with the predictable response that follows miscarriage.
Grieving and Blame are a typical, to be expected, reasonable part of the days following loss of a child. In I Never Held You writer DuBois offers sensible helpful hints regarding each. It is okay to grieve, and the compulsion to blame needs to be acknowledged if women are to be able to deal with and get beyond both. DuBois' poem My Angel Baby says well what women so often think and feel during the days following the loss of her child. The links to online resources are ones women can put to good use as the move from the grief to healing and acceptance.
This is not a fun little book for an afternoon of lighthearted reading. I Never Held You is a valuable resource to help fill the void of beneficial materials for the woman and their families after suffering miscarriage.
Highly Recommended for those women and their families who have faced the sorrow of miscarriage first hand.
Reviewed by: Molly Martin
This is a powerful, little ebook!
First the book is less than 30 pages. I know, you're saying, "Come on, Kara! What can 30 pages do?" A LOT! When I was in the midst of my own grief, grasping for straws at any resource I could reach, I definitely did NOT have a lengthy attention span. I wanted someone to be straight with me. No medical bull. No psychological babble. Just give me some straight talk on what was happening to me. DuBois does this in these pages!!
Probably, the next thing to "catch" me about the book was where DuBois shared a comment someone made to her after her miscarriage. "Grow up and get over it." WHAT???!! I cannot believe someone was heartless enough to actually utter those words to DuBois! Even if this book wasn't a great resource (it IS a great resource though!), she would have something important to say in my view because she survived that kind of *support* (said with complete sarcasm) after her miscarriage!
And yet, DuBois not only survived pain, the death of her child, (what sounds to me like grossly negligent) shoddy care from her medical provider who kept calling her child a "fetus", the loss of her marriage afterward-- but she's gone on to write this wonderful ebook. She speaks in a straight-forward manner about miscarriage, grieving, blaming, letting go, and moving forward. Plus she shares a wonderful poem in the section "Angel Baby" and additionally shares two pages of online resources for bereaved parents enduring the death of a child due to miscarriage.
I had only two comments that might be important if you are looking for a book to read or give as support to a bereaved family. One, the book is pretty geared toward the birth mother, so if there is a grieving father or partner in the family, they may not find the support they need here. And two, DuBois does discuss her religious/spiritual views in terms of God in a masculine form. So if you or the bereaved family you are supporting are of a religious/spiritual background that differs from that, then you might want to read and substitute your own word for the mentions of God.
Ultimately, in my humble reviewer opinion, I think this is a great resource for bereaved parents and the people who care for them after a miscarriage. This is a kind of validation after miscarriage that is sorely needed in the support world!
Reviewed by Kara L.C. Jones for Kota Press
A touching journey through pain and loss to healing and acceptance. In I Never Held You, Ellen DuBois shares the sad tale of her own miscarriage and the emptiness that followed. Ms. DuBois describes what happened during her pregnancy, the miscarriage and the reactions of those around her. She explains how she worked though the self-blame and despair, sharing intimate moments in hopes of helping other women who are alone and suffering through the tragedy of miscarriage.
It took Ms DuBois ten long years to reach the point that she could put her heart onto paper. The pages are palpable with emotion. You will know what it must be like to carry baby beneath your heart, to dream of holding a precious little one and plan for the future. Then suddenly that dream is snatched away and you are left heartbroken and lost . She makes you feel the pain and strain of a loss that is too often dismissed.
Ms DuBois bares her soul offering the reader sage advice for finding peace and moving on. More importantly she validates the emotional rollercoaster that women who miscarry experience. The book includes an on-line help guide to finding support groups and information on miscarriage. If you've suffered a miscarriage and have never been able to accept and work through your grief Ms. Dubois' book is for you. There are many programs available today, don't suffer alone, find others to help you cope. If you know someone who has miscarried and aren't quite sure how to react. This book is for you. You will better understand the traumatic effects and be better equipped to support your loved one.
Raw and Engaging, I Never Held You is a must read for all women and for those who have loved ones who have suffered through the tragedy of miscarriage.
Reviewed by: T. Warren for Women on Writing
Ellen M. DuBois, author of "I Never Held You", has done a terrific service to those of us who have suffered the pain and anguish of a miscarriage. Without being maudlin or even weepy, she not only shares her own sad experience with us, she offers what I can only describe as healthy, positive ways of coping and, hopefully, emotionally and psychologically triumphanting.
The truth is there is very little out there - or at least there was very little out there - that helped people cope with this particular kind of loss. Ellen is right on the money when she says people care, but do not always understand.
She poignantly points out that because there is no baby therefore it is more difficult for others to recognize and truly understand an ongoing sense of deplement and a lack of fulfillment. She is also right on target describing how it feels to hear a doctor tell you your baby is no longer "viable". We don't think of our humanity in terms such as "viable". That the baby was not as yet born makes no difference. It's real to those of us carrying this precious load. For no matter how long. When it is no longer there, everything about what we thought the child would be like, what we hoped the child would become, what we envisioned as times together remain. Those thoughts and feelings don't go away because an operation was performed. Your body might now be cleansed; your heart and mind have unfinished work ahead of them. Pat phrases can bring on more despair than the actual event. Being told to "grow up and get over it" fall on useless, defensive and despondent deaf ears. They aren't meant to be unkind but they are. Ellen speaks to this.
The loneliness, the anger, the final acceptance of all that needs to be channeled is very tenderly written up by Ellen. It is not preachy; it doesn't even pretend to have all the answers. But every woman who has suffered a miscarriage, including yours truly, can relate and it helps ease the pain, and in some cases, torment. As so many good and valuable things are, this isn't a long tome. It doesn't need to be, but its every syllable is worthwhile. Anything that helps makes a difficult journey less burdensome is worth its weight in gold.
Rating Scale: 1-10
'I Never Held You' Rating: 9
Review by Sam Knight for sellwritingonline.com
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